straight down the line

Could I be anymore basic?

One of this week’s visual assignments was called “Story Beads.” The instructions were to, “Tell your story in beads, much like the example included from ‘North America Great Story Beads’. This can be a collection of beads you’ve accumulated from those popular bracelets, or charms you’ve acquired along the way. Explain what each one means and how it fits into your journey’s timeline, leading to or coming from bead-to-bead.”

[Worth 3 stars]

I actually have two pandora bracelets because yes, I am THAT basic. And because I am from the tribe of white people, everyone and their mother feels the need to buy these for me every holiday or birthday. So I have a lot of beads and a lot of stories. Buckle up and shut up because here we go.


So um, before I discovered that I’m a flaming homo, I dated this guy Dylan for a little over a year. The last christmas before I broke things off he got me these two charms to put on my second pandora he bought me. I broke up with him a week later…awk.


My sister got this for me last christmas when I came out. My sister is also part of the homofabulous community. What are the odds my mother would produce two gays?! THE POWER OF THE RAINBOW!


This is your standard “I don’t know what else to get you” christmas present from my mother. Not that I’m not grateful, because those little shits are expensive, but that 50$ could have been spent elsewhere, like a chipotle giftcard…hello!



I’ve spent my whole life in the ocean. Every summer my family and I would spend weeks in Nags Head. It’s my favorite place in the world. My mother gave me this for christmas last year, to remind me of my sacred space down by the sea.



My mom got this for me last christmas as well, because that was the year I brought home two dogs from the SPCA. Did I mention I brought them home over the summer, then left them there with her when I came back to school…whoops.



My mom got this for me three valentines days ago, because a few days before the 14th I discovered that parents are traditionally suppose to give their single children v-day gifts so they don’t feel upset by their lack of companionship. Well, apparently my mom didn’t get this memo, because for the past 19 years of my life she only got my dad something. I informed her of my new discoveries and she said she would make up for all the valentines days lost. And she sure did! This is one of the prettiest pandora’s I have. I’m not spoiled or anything…



This one says “I love you more.” My mom also gave me this one. Do you see a pattern emerging? I lived a very lonely life until recently. But my mom and I have always fought over who loved whom more. It started when I first learned how to say the words. I always really high-strung and demanded that I loved her more. Awwww. No but really, I use to cry if she didn’t let me win the contest.



So I decided one year that I was going procure me a hedgehog. God only knows why I thought this was a good idea, but I quickly learned hedgehogs are not like dogs. They do not like to be talked to, held, acknowledged, looked at, or any other type of interaction. And apparently dogs and hedgehogs do not mix. Who would have guessed? Not me obviously. Poor little Peter the hedgehog had to go to another home, because Molly would not stop trying to eat the little asshole.



I think I received this from my best friends mom? I’m not actually sure. Whoops! I swear I appreciated it at the time!



I got this from an ex-best friend when I graduated high school. I’m talking about you AMANDA!



This was also from an ex…I really should pawn these.



My grandmother gave this to me three christmas’s ago. Because apparently I like shopping? She had Alzheimer’s, bless her soul, she tried.



I got this from my friend Talaia (don’t even bother trying to pronounce that). After I had to quit gymnastics, due to an injury, she introduced me to competitive cheerleading.  Because this sport was less demanding than gymnastics I was able to do it. Every time I was tossed in the air I would scream “WEEEEEEE” in my head.



My “little sister” Chandler got me this pandora. We lived together for many years and when I finally went back home it was weird being apart. We went from seeing each other every day to seeing each other once or twice a month. It was a big adjustment for us, and took some getting use to. She got me this charm to remind me that no matter how far apart we are, or how long it takes for us to see each other we will always love each other.



Chandler’s mother got this set for me for Easter. It suppose to be a chicken coming out of an egg, but on further inspection it kind of looks like a pig. So it shall forever be known as the bacon egg.



My mom constantly played, sung, and hummed the Beatles around me. She told me my favorite lullaby when I was a baby was “Here Comes the Sun.” She said she would sing it to me every night. She got me this sun charm to remind me of her.



Funny story with this one. My best friend (Chandler) and I got each other pandora beads for christmas one year. And we got each other the exact same one. So now we both have two pieces of the best friend heart.



Alright, so if you couldn’t already tell  I am a very sarcastic person. One day when I was at gymnastics one of the little kids I trained with was making fun of me for having a large nose. So, I sarcastically told her it wasn’t my fault because I was a Jew. Being only 8 years old, she believed me (after I explained what being a Jew and having a large nose meant). And from that point on it was my life mission to convince everyone I was a Jew and was related to Anne Frank, because I didn’t know any other cool Jews. My mother found out about this after lets say four months of lying when we had a christmas exchange at the gym and my secret santa got me a “Happy Hanukkah” card. I had to explain to her what happened, and that I was in too deep to pull back now. Instead of being a typical parent and making me come clean, my mother went along with it and even bought me this star of David charm for christmas.



These were the first two charms I ever got. Chandler’s mom gave me my first pandora and charms because “I was just a poor boy” who couldn’t afford her own. And I wanted to be like the cool kids.


So that’s it, my two white-girl-basic pandoras.

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