straight down the line

Writing Assignment – The Onion’ed Article

Original article: “Sunday night-Monday snow likely to cause problems; exact accumulations elusive”

“It’s probably not going to snow tomorrow… but you can freak out anyways.”

A recent look at this colorful radar display which means absolutely nothing and changes almost every second, shows that tomorrow, some weather may occur. It will snow somewhere. We don’t know where it’s going to snow, and we aren’t sure how much, but once it’s already fallen, we can measure it on the ground and give you minute by minute updates. If snow is actually falling outside, make sure you keep your TV’s on to watch our weather anchors freeze outside as they tell you “it’s snowing” while cars narrowly avoid car accidents behind them.

Because this is the DC Metro area and we panic about snow, we’ve already heard that the roads are covered with some useless mixture of sand and leftover gravel from potholes we aren’t fixing. V-dot has also dispatched a number of plow trucks that will no doubt drive around without their plows not actually touching the road.

The public schools have already cancelled school for tomorrow because if it snows in New York there is no possible way anyone can focus in Virginia.

A recent report from the grocery stores shows they are out of bread, milk, and bottled water… because the apocalypse is slowly approaching.

Be sure to follow us on twitter or look out your window for updates on this “storm” since we really don’t know anything because it’s almost impossible to predict weather. But we’re going to keep trying and pretending we can.

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